Ode to the Minivan

Yesterday, not long after I had a heated exchange with my maternal unit about why the network coverage of the Casey Anthony murder trial might not be the most appropriate background noise for my three-year-old’s breakfast, we flew the coop.

We loaded Uno, Dos, Tres and a punctured white puddle into Stella, headed to the vet and then… The Big City!

The puddle threw up in the car.  Lizard saw a badger road kill.  I managed to not wrap my lips around the exhaust pipe and huff away.

We got to The Big City and visited Lizards’ Grandmeme, who is hospitalized with pneumonia.  It was so good to see her and we were reminded: Life continues to be good.

The Big City coated us in the sights and sounds of four people per square foot population density, businesses that stay open later than nine p.m. and freeways.  It was awesome.

It also allowed for the following conversation between my children (well, this conversation took place after they finished code-talking at the top of their lungs in what sounded like Navajo – they’re bilingual and I didn’t even know it!):

Dos (dreamy): I’m going to have a Suburban when I get grown up.

Uno: You’re not going to have a minivan?! (Scandalized – she loves minivans and counts it as a personal affront we don’t drive one.)

Dos: No, I’m not going to have a minivan because I DON’T LIKE MINIVANS! I like Suburbans!

Uno (scolding): Well, you should have a minivan. (Uno is kind of right, Dos has announced she’s going to have five children… she may well have a minivan in her future.)

Dos: If you like minivans then go on it and get minivans and Tres can have a minivan but WE’RE going to have a Suburban.  (Not sure if that was the royal “we”.)

Uno: Daddy, why can’t we buy a minivan?  They’re so beautiful!

Lizard: We don’t like minivans.

Uno: Well, you SHOULD like minivans… Wait!  (looking at the traffic at the stop light) Is that a minivan?

Lizard: Looks like it.

Uno: Then THAT is my favorite car!  (Three second pause as she continued to take in the scenery.)  Is that a movie theater?

Lizard: Yes.

Uno: Can we go to a movie?

Lizard: I don’t know.  We’re going to go eat dinner right now.

Uno: We can eat dinner at the movie theater, they have drinks… and popcorn…

Dos: And Twisty Ties!

I’m hoping Dos meant Twizzlers, because last time I checked twisty ties weren’t part of our food pyramid, though I guess you could consider them fiber… until the little wire wrapped your intestines into knots…

Where do you go when you fly the coop?  And are you on Uno or Dos’ side when it comes to the minivan/Suburban debate?

 

Bad Ju-Ju

In honor of the beginning of a new month and payday, I decided to take the Stella the Suburban to the carwash.  While there I recognized that the vacuum cleaners attached to the carwash were free – my favorite price! – and I had a few minutes, so I pulled in and started to vacuum.

The front seats were just fine.

The middle seats were fine.

But then we came to the backseat.

Now, I think it’s necessary to explain a few things.

1.  I generally never, ever look at the area around Uno and Dos’ car seats because I know it’s bad ju-ju back there and I’m scared.

2.  When we got Stella I had not anticipated the sheer space between the front and back seats.  It’s a vehicle the same size of a 15-passenger van.  I can’t reach the kids and so I tend to just throw food at them from the front seat.  I don’t have good aim.

I’m ashamed to admit that I have caught Dos eating a Taco Bell burrito in her car seat knowing that we haven’t been to Taco Bell in at least three days.  She’s the worst.  She’ll squirrel the food away and then pull it out eons later for a snack.

Once she asked me if she could eat “puffs,” which are the baby snacks that melt in your mouth.  I gave her permission and then a bit later looked back to find she was eating the bun off of Uno’s discarded McDonald’s hamburger that had been sitting in the back seat uneaten for about six days.

I vomited a little in my mouth when it sank in.

Later I decided it wasn’t so bad because someone photographed a Happy Meal hamburger every day for six months and there wasn’t much change.  It’s a fascinating story: http://tinyurl.com/29l3pve  I guess it validates how Dos could be confused.

Regardless of all of this amazing storytelling, I knew that the picture wasn’t going to be pretty when I headed back to the far back seat with that vacuum hose but I donned my gas mask and haz mat suit and dove in.

Somewhere, underneath the layers of sedimentary foodstuffs, I found the carpeting.  And it is now clean.

Amen.

How do you keep your car clean?